Trust, Love, and Sex
by mostly a lurker
Summary: Entry for The Cherry Exchange 2010    "She gave me myself back." After a traumatic experience, Edward has never been able to have a sexual encounter. Vampire Bella has her own issues. Can they find intimacy together?  AU/EPOV


**Entry for "The Cherry Exchange 2010"**

**Trust, Love, and Sex**

**by mostly a lurker**

**Rated M**

**Word Count: 14,859**

**Summary: "She gave me myself back." After a traumatic experience, Edward has never been able to have a sexual encounter. Vampire Bella has her own issues. Can they find intimacy together?**

**Disclaimer: Last I checked, Twilight still belonged to Stephenie Meyers, not me. Damn.**

**A/N: I must give a shout out to my beta, LJ Summers, who helped me stick it out with this bad boy, and to Kitsushel who was my late night sounding board. Without them, this story would be collecting dust in the back of my mind.**

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She was the type of woman who rendered me both instantly speechless and instantly hard. All I could do was stand there like an idiot with my mouth open. She was gorgeous. Pale skin with a smattering of freckles, beautiful reddish brown eyes, a great rack and a nice ass. She was curvy in all the right places and, though she tried to hide this under bulky ill-fitting jeans and a too loose t-shirt, there was no question in my mind that an incredible body was under there.

"Can I help you?" She turned to me fully now.

I just blinked slowly in response.

"Hello? Do you need something?"

_Yeah I need something. You, right here, right now_. My mind filled with images of throwing her up against the counter, ripping her jeans off, bending her over, and pounding inside of her until we were both screaming in release.

"Hey! Wonder boy!" She snapped her fingers near my face, bringing me back to the here and now. My head jerked and my eyes focused on her nose. I couldn't bring myself to meet her eyes as I felt the heat rising in my cheeks.

"Yeah, um, I'm Edward, and I'm supposed to start here today?" My voice rose at the end, like it was a question. _You are such a fucktard._

"Yeah, Max told me to expect you. Your t-shirt, hat, and apron are in the back room." She pointed to a door marked Employees Only. "Go get changed and grab a towel from the bleach bucket by the door, the tables need wiping down." She turned, shaking her head, and disappeared behind the commercial espresso machine.

I became aware then that I was painfully hard and the bulge in my jeans was obvious and formidable. _That's a helluva first impression, sport. Fuck! Never when I want, always when I don't. Shit. _My cheeks crimson, I shuffled into the back room and quickly changed into my uniform.

Still hard as a rock, I looked around for a fridge, freezer, or even a sink with cold running water. I found the last in a corner and soaked some paper towels with cold water. Finding a shadowed corner, I faced the wall and removed the offending hard on from my pants. I wrapped it in the cold, wet paper towels and hissed at the sensation on my sensitive skin. _Fuck, that's cold!_

The cold did its job well. It always did. My dick shrank from the cold and wet, my balls shriveling in the onslaught. It wasn't the kindest way to handle myself, but it was quick and effective. Now limp, I tucked myself away and threw the paper towels out before washing my hands and grabbing a cloth towel from the bucket by the door. My first shift at my new job had officially begun.

– ◈ ◊ ◈ –

_At least I made it through without doing anything stupid and embarrassing myself_, I thought as I walked home after my first shift. Barista Queen seemed okay. I still didn't know her name, but the title fit. I'd never seen such a complicated espresso machine before. She said Max had it imported from Italy and that it was really finicky, so I wasn't to touch it. Fine by me. I was positive I'd break the damn thing if I so much as breathed on it, and I sure as hell couldn't afford to replace it.

I mostly cleaned, bussed, and washed the cups. People are such slobs sometimes when they don't have to clean up after themselves. _Disgusting. Especially the ladies room. I'll never understand why women trash a public bathroom. Guys never do that shit._

By this time, I'd reached my apartment. Well, the apartment I shared with four other guys and the women that sometimes stayed over, was a better description. I couldn't really call them friends; we didn't really hang out or do anything together. I opened the door and slipped inside. A couple of them were playing video games while a third was watching some shit movie. I walked past them silently; they didn't acknowledge me and I didn't say anything to them. I was the resident ghost.

I dropped my stuff on the battered, fifth-hand desk in my room and popped open my laptop. I had several hours of research to do for a paper I planned to start tomorrow.

I don't know when I fell asleep, my computer still glowing in my lap. I scrubbed my hands roughly over my face and scratched my head as I squinted at the now-bright screen. I made sure to save what I was working on before closing the lid and setting it carefully on the floor next to the bed. I didn't even bother removing my clothes – just slipped a little lower down and curled up on my side. My eyes closed immediately and I saw the brightness of the screen behind my eyelids. I started to drift to sleep when Barista Queen's face blazed in the bright spot on my eyelids and I heard her voice while smelling coffee. I sat bolt upright in bed.

_What the fuck? _

My heart was pounding by this point and I looked around the room wildly. I was sure she was there somehow, her voice was so clear and the smell of coffee was so strong. But my room was empty and dark and smelled of musk and mold. I slowly laid back on the pillows and stared up at the patterns of shadow and light on the ceiling for a long, long time.

– ◈ ◊ ◈ –

She slowly began populating my dreams after that. During my next shift two days later, I finally learned her name. _Bella_. She mostly ignored me as I ignored her and I liked that. I was grateful not to have to talk much or answer a string of nosy questions. As long as I showed up on time, did my work well and didn't fuck up too much, we got along great. It was somehow comfortable and easy between us from the get-go, and for some odd reason I felt I could trust her.

I didn't really know what her deal was and that piqued my interest. She always dressed in baggy jeans and shirts that practically swallowed her whole. Her shoes were cool – a real array of sneakers – but that was her only adornment. No jewelry, no makeup, no bling. There seemed to be no guy either, and I wondered if maybe she batted for the other team or was a switch-hitter. I watched her carefully over the next month or so, trying to figure her out.

She could handle the fussy Italian espresso machine like it was an extension of her own body. Coffee was coffee to me. I couldn't taste much difference and preferred basic plain old drip to anything else. _Not the best dude to work in a highbrow coffeehouse_.

"Hey, Ed!"

"Yeah, Queenie?" I smirked at her, knowing she hated that as much as I hated _Ed_.

She rolled her eyes but didn't slow her motions. We were closing up and she was elbow deep cleaning the machine for the morning shift.

"You're on trash duty tonight."

"Got it."

I pulled the small can out from under the counter at her feet. She backed out of the way to make space for me while keeping her hands on the machine in front of her. I grabbed the top edges of the bag and jerked it from the can. The wet coffee grounds were too heavy – it hadn't been emptied after the lunch rush – and the bag burst, dousing her from the waist down in cold, soggy grounds along with whatever else had been tossed in throughout the day. She gasped and I froze, cringing, waiting for an explosion that didn't come.

"Well, don't just stand there, silly. Fix it."

"I'm so sorry! I didn't..."

"Don't worry about it. Not the first time it's happened, and I'm sure it won't be the last. Not your fault. Sam should have done it at the end of his shift."

"But your clothes, your shoes..."

"Are just things. I'll throw 'em in the wash." She shrugged and laughed. She had a nice laugh. It was catching, and I couldn't stop my mouth from turning up into a smile. I didn't realize that that had been happening more often, lately.

I bent to attack the mess and immediately felt something cold and squishy land on my back.

"Oh! I'm sorry! I didn't see you there," she gasped. I looked up to see her holding an empty portafilter in her hand.

"You dumped that on me on purpose, didn't you?"

"No, I swear it was an accident. I really didn't see you."

But her look was too innocent and her stomach was trembling with the effort to hold in her laughter. I was instantly angry, and my face darkened. Just as I was opening my mouth, she lost her fight and laughter poured forth.

"You should see your face!" She slapped her thigh with her free hand as she laughed harder.

My mouthed moved, opening and closing, but no sound would come out. My anger dissolved in the face of her delightful laughter.

"Think that's funny, do ya?" My voice was tinged with my residual temper. I grabbed a handful of the wet grinds from the floor and flung them at her chest. I hit her square between the boobs. _Nice shot!_

As I was busy congratulating myself, her hand darted down and I found myself face first in the heaping pile covering her feet. She howled with laughter above me. I quickly reached up, grabbed the back of her shirt and yanked down as I knocked her knees out from under her. She dropped to the floor surprisingly gracefully but landed right in the middle of the mess, her eyes wide in surprise. A flurry of hands lifted and squashed the goop all over any reachable body part for the next minute or so as we playfully battled it out.

I realized I was laughing so hard my arms were becoming weak, and I grabbed her hands in an attempt to stop our impromptu food fight. They were strangely hard and cold and she jerked them away before I could really register what they felt like.

She looked at me carefully, then said, "You have a nice laugh. You should use it more often."

My smile dimmed and I looked away, muttering under my breath, "Yeah, 'cause there's just _so much_ to laugh about in my life."

"It can't be _that_ bad."

My head jerked back sharply of it's own accord. _She heard that? How could she hear that?_

"What?

"Really, is it that bad?" she was serious now and concern was written on her face.

_Pity. Greeeeaaaat. Playtime's over._

"What business is it of yours? Fuckin A. Give it a rest. It doesn't concern you." I pushed up off the floor quickly, turned on my heel and strode into the back room to get the shit needed to clean up the mess we'd made. When I came back out, she didn't say anything. She made as if to help me clean up, but I brushed her off brusquely.

_I don't need your help or your pity. I do just fine on my own. And if you don't like my sucky attitude, you can fucking fire me for all I care._

I could feel my face flush and my eyes unexpectedly burned with unshed tears.

_What the fuck, man? Get it together! Limpy The Dickless Wonder's bad enough, what are we now Tear Boy? Cry Baby? Shut it, just shut it. Not helping, here._

"Hey, are you okay?" A cool hand brushed my shoulder.

I just nodded and clenched my teeth.

"You sure you don't want some help with this? We'll both get out of here faster."

I shook my head and kept scooping the grounds into a plastic-bag-lined box. There was a long pause as she watched me work.

"Are you planning on leaving the bag in the box and taking the whole thing out to the trash?"

"Yeah, so?"

"That's actually a really good idea. We're lucky the health inspector hasn't shown up when a bag's burst and there's shit all over back here. That goes into effect immediately, I'll let everyone know."

I just nodded.

"I'm going to go count the till in the back room. Let me know when you leave, okay?"

"Sure thing."

– ◈ ◊ ◈ –

Thus the strange, awkward dance between us unexpectedly shifted gears. Sometimes playful, sometimes hostile, always charged and oddly erotic. She'd been a frequent visitor in my dreams, but before she was a bit player and on the sidelines, clothed. Now, Bella was regularly the star, naked and splayed out below me. I never dreamed of her on top. Didn't dream of any woman on top. That was a definite dick deflator.

When I saw her at the coffeehouse, it was hard to separate Dream Bella from Real Bella and despite my efforts to the contrary, we touched and bumped against each other all the time. I finally realized that she was initiating much of that contact. Her gentle, persistent questions and authentic concern wore me down, and I began to talk to her more. It was nice. _She_ was nice, and I felt nice in her company.

About six weeks later, she invited me to her place after work. We'd both worked the day shift and got off in the early evening. I knew she lived on a houseboat in Eastlake, but that could mean anything from a 750 square foot shack to a multistory floating McMansion.

Her place was amazing – arty and funky with lots of wood and huge windows. She sparked the gas fire and offered me a beer to go with the food we'd picked up on the way. Simple food, a comfortable house and good company. I felt almost human again. When the stars came out, we moved up to the rooftop deck to gaze through her telescope.

She was so different from any other girl – hell, any other person I knew. I was captivated by her, which made me nervous, which kept me limp. I was actually kind of glad about that for once. When I saw her that first day, my body just reacted to her like a picture in a magazine. Now that I knew her, she was real, and my body was its usual unreliable self.

When it came time for me to leave, she walked me to the door and I paused considering whether I could steal a kiss from her or not. I was a chicken shit and settled for brushing her hair out of her face and tucking it behind her ear.

"Goodnight, Bella. Thanks for having me over. I had a nice time."

"Me, too. I hope you'll come again. You're nice company." She smiled and stepped back, opening the door for me.

I ducked my head, blushing shyly, and headed to my dank, dark, lonely, people-filled apartment. The contrast was startling and I shook my head as I walked to the bus stop.

– ◈ ◊ ◈ –

Hanging out at Bella's quickly became a regular thing. We didn't really go on dates. I wasn't a dating kind of guy and she seemed just fine with that. I noticed she ate very little when we occasionally shared meals, but she was so small I never really worried about it.

One night, about ten days later when we were watching some cheesy chick flick, I finally worked up the nerve to plant one on her. It was tentative and I hesitated when she didn't kiss me back at first.

_Damn she's always so fucking cold. _

When I started to pull away, she brought her hand up, cupping my head and pulling my lips back to hers. She pressed gentle, chaste kisses on me until I pressed my mouth more firmly against hers. When our lips began moving in harmony after a few mismatched attempts, I sighed through my nose in pleasure and gratitude and she moaned. I twitched. We made out on the couch and it was incredible to just kiss and talk softly together for hours.

I found it harder and harder to keep my hands and lips to myself when we worked together, much less when we were alone. We spent many nights on the roof deck or in front of the fire making out. The days began blurring together and it was easy to lose track of time. One night we got lost in each other and I wound up spending the night on the couch as it had grown so late, I missed the last bus back to the U District. When I woke it was sunny and beautiful. I looked all around for her, but Bella was not outside or in any common area of the house. I finally found her buried under the covers in her bedroom.

"Hey, wake up, sleepy head! It's a beautiful day – sunny in Seattle! Let's go for a picnic. Maybe catch the ferry over to Bainbridge." I went to pull the covers off her head, but they wouldn't budge. "Oh, c'mon! Don't be like that!" I found the sides of her body beneath the blanket and began tickling her.

"Edward... Edward! Enough – stop!"

I didn't miss the fact that she wasn't laughing; she was serious. I dropped my hands immediately.

"I think you should go now, Edward."

"But... but we planned to spend the day together today. Last night..."

"I know what we talked about last night. Things have changed. And, uh, it's best..."

"Things have changed in like five hours? Bullshit! Come out here and talk to me. This is me, and I don't like not being able to see your beautiful face."

I heard her sigh. "Edward, I can't. Please believe me. Just trust me when I say it's better if you go now. I'll see you tomorrow at Max Java."

"You can't come out from under the covers? That's just silly! What, you suddenly have some sort of hideous rash or something? C'mon, lemme see. Dr. Edward is here with a cure for whatever ails ya."

I grabbed and pulled at the bedclothes, finally succeeding in getting the blanket down, but the sheet wouldn't budge.

"Edward, stop. I'm serious now. I'm not playing around. Please leave."

I dropped my playfulness and met her serious tone. "Bella? Baby, what is it? This isn't like you and you're scaring me. If you're sick or need medical attention, please let me take you to the doctor or the hospital. I'm not leaving until I see your face and know you're okay."

"You have to. Just take my word for it. I'm fine."

"If you're fine, then why are you hiding?"

"Please, can't you just trust me?"

"Yes and no. I trust you, but I need to see for myself that you're fine. Then I'll leave, I promise."

I began to struggle to uncover her in earnest.

_Geez, she's fucking strong. I can't believe..._

Suddenly, there was a loud ripping noise as the sheet gave way between our struggling hands and the filtered sunlight fell full across her face.

_Sparkles. She's... she's... it's like she has glitter all over her face. What the fuck is that?_

Her eyes closed in defeat as the sparkling light bounced off my face.

"Wow, baby, that's some night cream you use. What the hell is it? You look like you have glitter all over your face," I couldn't stop the laughter from escaping. "Hell, Bella, is this what you wanted to hide from me? Your glitter cream? What's the big fucking deal?"

She sat up and let the sheet drop to her lap, exposing more skin to the light. She was wearing a wifebeater and what looked to be men's boxers to sleep in. What skin I could see sparkled and shimmered. I'd never seen anything more beautiful or more strange in my entire life. This little creature who wore baggy boy's skate clothes was ethereal. Dainty. Feminine. Stunningly gorgeous.

I gaped like an open-mouthed fish from Pike's Place. She sat there, silent and still as a statue, head bowed, shoulders slumped, eyes closed.

"Beautiful," I finally managed to gasp as one finger reached to stroke her upper arm. I couldn't believe what I was seeing, and when I pulled my finger away to look at the tip, it wasn't covered in glitter. I looked back at her in wonder, looked more closely, and realized the glitter was_ in her skin_. I gulped loudly. "Bella?"

"Now you see me as I truly am. A freak. You can go now. I trust you not to say anything to anyone. Goodbye, Edward."

_Wait, what?_ My brain couldn't make sense of her words. _A freak? No, strange, wonderful and odd, maybe, but not a freak._

"What do you mean, goodbye?"

"I know you're repulsed. Really. I don't blame you. Just... just go," she finally whispered, clearly distressed.

"Repulsed? Freak? What are you talking about? I've never seen anything more beautiful in all my life!" I grabbed her hand and held it to the light, making the rainbows from her sparkling skin even brighter. "Are we even looking at the same thing?"

She was silent and unmoving.

"Look, Bella!" I held her hand under her nose, she turned her head away and squeezed her eyes shut.

_Of course she's seen her skin in the sunlight. Duh!_

"Bella!" I grabbed her by both upper arms and shook her slightly, "Bella, open your eyes and look at me. _Talk_ to me. Please don't shut me out. Not now. _Please_," my voice trembled with emotion and fear. She remained still and silent. "Bella, I... I... You... you treat me like... Bella, please! I haven't felt this alive in so long! You can't shut me out now," I wailed like a child. "I need you, please... don't make me leave... please." I buried my face in my hands to hide my shame in admitting this to her. The thought of being without her crushed the air right out of my lungs and I collapsed forward on the bed beside her, my feet still on the floor.

"Oh, Edward. Sweetheart. Stop." She placed a hand on my head. "I didn't want you to see me like this. I just wanted you to go away for now, that's all. I thought you'd be horrified and run screaming out the door. I can't believe you're still here and begging me to stay. Of course you can... if you still want to."

I raised my head from my hands and looked into her eyes. There was no pity, only sadness and concern, and something more. Something I hadn't seen before.

"Yes. Yes, I want to stay. I... I..." I trailed off. _Love you_. The words popped unbidden into my mind. I knew they were true, but I couldn't get them through my lips. _Chicken shit. Will you fucking shut up? Having a moment here! Focus!_

"Edward?"

"Yeah... uh... I really like you, Bella. I'm comfortable here. It's okay if I stay, yeah?"

"Yes. I really like you, too. And you can stay if you like. But we need to talk and I must warn you that I don't expect you to _want_ to stay when I'm through saying what I have to say. It's important to know that you can leave anytime, but I'm asking you to hear me out. Okay?"

"Yeah, sure. You can tell me anything. What is it, baby? Some sort of medical mystery? It's quite an amazing skin condition..." I couldn't help but stretch out my hand and touch her arm again. She reached up and took my hand in hers. "Sweetheart, you're so cold. Can I get you something warmer to wear?"

She laughed humorlessly before drawing a deep breath. She looked away briefly before squaring her shoulders and turning her head towards me, catching my eyes with hers.

"There's no easy or gentle way to say this."

"Then just say it."

She sighed once more and squeezed my hand, never breaking her gaze from mine. "Edward... Edward, I'm not human."

_All right, I'll play_. "What are you, then?" I smirked slightly despite the seriousness of her expression and the tension pervading the room.

"Edward, I'm a vampire."

– ◈ ◊ ◈ –

Yeah, so that wasn't an answer I was expecting. She spoke for a long time as I listened in silence. I was a little overwhelmed and certainly stunned to discover my supposedly twenty-something girlfriend was really more than 500 years old. Bella told me everything about her life including how she became a vampire at the hands of a deranged incubus. He'd become inexplicably enraged when he discovered she was a virgin and, not wanting to lose his control, he pierced her skin and drooled venom into the wound without biting her. When she awoke, she was clothed and alone. He'd changed and abandoned her – her last human memory hearing him cursing her to a solitary existence.

She held nothing back and answered every question I had honestly and completely. No one had ever been so direct and open with me before. Her trust in me, as well as her vulnerability, inspired and intimidated me. It was also incredibly sexy.

Morning became afternoon and afternoon slid into evening before we had hashed everything through. If I'd had any thoughts of leaving, they were gone now, a new bond forged between us in honesty and authenticity. We'd taken several breaks to accommodate my human needs, and twilight found us back in the living room on the couch before the fire. A comfortable silence had stretched between us as she snuggled to my chest and I played with her hair.

"Edward?"

"Mmmm?"

"Can I ask you something?"

"You can ask me anything, Bella."

"Have you ever been with a girl before?"

"You mean like had a girlfriend, or more than that?"

"Either."

I sighed. _Gotta be honest, man_. It was the only way to honor her honesty with me. "I've never really even had an official girlfriend, Bella."

"But that doesn't mean you haven't, like, done things, right?"

"Are you asking if I've kissed a girl before?"

"Yes."

"Yes, I've kissed a girl before. More than one, actually."

"Recently?"

"Other than you? No. Nothing like that has happened in a long time."

"Have you done more than kiss?"

"With others? Yes."

"Like what?"

"Bella, I was told that kissing and telling wasn't gentlemanly. But I want to be honest with you as you've been so honest with me," I breathed out heavily through my nose. "I've made out before, more than once, and with more than one girl. A little heavy petting, but not much. No more."

"So... you haven't done _it_?"

"If by 'it' you mean sex, then no, I haven't."

"Me neither," she said in a small voice. "I was only kissed once before you."

"Really?" I was astonished.

"Really." I could hear the smile in her voice.

I tipped her head back by pulling slightly on her hair. Her eyes fixed on my mouth and she licked her lips. I lost it and claimed her mouth with my own. She kissed me back with fervor and enthusiasm. The days, weeks, and months of talking, getting to know each other, flirting, screwing around, and finally the honesty and vulnerability sparked the embers between us into flames. I deepened our kiss and she moaned softly. Before I knew it, our shirts were on the floor and we were lying side by side on the sofa, making out passionately.

I was lost in her mouth. It was cold, wet and wonderful. I simply couldn't get enough of her. My hands roamed freely across her bare upper body. The fingers of one of her hands twisted into my hair, the other slid down my back and cupped my ass. I groaned loudly – I couldn't help myself – we'd never touched below the waist before.

I wanted her. I wanted her so badly, but I knew I had to hold back, to rein in my passion. So I pulled her tight to me without grinding myself into her. I knew there was no way she wouldn't feel my pulsing erection against her stomach even through the layers of denim and cotton between us. She moaned in response when my hot hardness registered against her cool skin, and she squeezed my ass before sliding her hand into my back pocket and pulling me even closer.

"Ah... If you keep that up... I don't... Oh!" I gasped as she broke from my mouth and started licking and nibbling with her lips down my neck. Her thigh slipped between mine and I couldn't stop myself from pressing into her firmly.

She rolled me more onto my back and slid her hand down the outside of my thigh, pulling it around her own, encouraging my hips to move against her. I moaned as I sought the needed friction, still trying to hold back and failing miserably.

I felt her begin to writhe against my thigh, instinctively trying to find her own friction, but she was awkward and unsure in her movements and I could feel the frustration coming off of her in waves. She was kissing along my shoulder as I slid my hands down her back and under the waistband of her jeans.

She froze for a split second as I palmed her ass over her panties. I started to remove my hands but she gasped, "No, don't stop... So warm... Keep going..." and dropped her head down to capture my nipple between her lips.

"Oh... uuunghh," I groaned out at the sudden coldness on my sensitive flesh. The contrast in temperature was indescribable. My arms and hands tightened on her body as I arched into her mouth, unintentionally pressing her sweet spot just as she needed with my thigh.

She cried out my name before flicking her cold tongue repeatedly over my hard nipple, the fingers of her other hand playing with the one on the other side of my chest.

I gritted my teeth for a moment before giving in completely and pushing up against her with abandon while pulling her down to meet me thrust for thrust.

_Whoa. This got intense really quickly._

"Hey, Bella," I gasped, bringing one hand up to her chin to tilt her face up so I could look into her eyes. They were black with lust and longing. I had never seen her this way – wild, primal, instinctual. I could truly see part of her vampire nature, and while it was a little intimidating, mostly it was sexy as hell, and I became even harder, something I thought completely impossible.

"I just... So intense... Is this, are you... Okay?"

Her smile was a flash of radiance before she claimed my lips with her own. Her kiss was passionate, plainly communicating her desire for me. I could feel my dick weeping for her in my pants, and I wondered if this was really it, if we were going all the way tonight. The instant I thought that, I regretted it as my cock twitched once and immediately began to soften.

_Noooooo! Not again! Oh, please, ANYTHING but this..._

Frantically, I cast around for something else to focus on, something that would increase my excitement and hopefully my hard on.

"Bella, baby. Can I touch you?" I murmured against her lips, only briefly interrupting her kiss. She hummed her assent without slowing her lips or hesitating for a second.

I pushed her back so we were on our sides again. Then I slid my hand slowly down her torso from her shoulder, over her breast, down her ribs, and to the button on her jeans. I hesitated only a moment, but she was apparently impatient as her hand opened the front of her jeans wide. She then placed her hand over mine and guided me under the front of her cotton boy shorts. She pulled her hand out, leaving me to find my way to her treasure while her fingers sought mine through my jeans.

As I parted her lips with my fingertips and dove into her wetness, I became aware that her juices were extra slippery, like the world's most perfect lube. _So wet, but so cold. Will I ever get used to it?_

"Oh my God... Oh... So wet... So fucking good..." My amazement slipped unfiltered through my lips.

She moaned softly in my ear, and I was vaguely aware of my dick twitching against the pressure she was applying through my pants. I couldn't let myself get distracted – this was too important and my confidence was shaky enough as it was.

I began seeking the source of her wetness. It was all so slick and soft, and without increasing heat to guide me, I had a little trouble finding her opening.

"More..." she gasped, her bottom arm clinging to my shoulder almost painfully; her other fingers nearly wrapped completely around my shaft.

_Shit that's cold even through my pants..._

Her soft voice broke through my intense concentration.

"Baby? Edward?"

I pulled back to look at her, puzzled, but her eyes remained downcast.

"I'm sorry... Did I... Did I do something wrong?" she whispered.

_Wha... FUCK NOOOO!_ My dick was completely flaccid under her hand. _Motherfucking piece of shit limp dick! Goddamnit! Fuck it all!_

Completely humiliated, I turned away from her abruptly. I curled in on myself, my hands buried in my hair, my knees almost to my chest.

_UNFUCKING BELIEVABLE! Loser, loser, LOSER! You're as limp and lame as your good for nothing dick. You'll never be anything better. You're a fucking fool to think it would ever be different. No girl you want wants such a fucked up guy like you in her life. Limpy the Dickless Wonder strikes again._

"Edward!" She was shaking me roughly by now. "Edward! Talk to me! Tell me! What did I do? What did I do wrong? _Please_..." Her voice broke on the last word, and I suddenly realized that she'd be crying now if she could.

_Fuck! You made her cry, you piece of shit! Happy now?_ Not really, no.

"You didn't do anything wrong, Bella," I sighed finally. I moved to the edge of the couch and sat up, my back to her. "It's my fault. I'm sorry. I'll go home, now." I grabbed my shirt from the floor before I stood up. Pulling it over my head, I walked to the door and paused with my hand on the knob, "Um... Don't worry about work. I, uh, won't be coming in any more. Just send my last check to my place, okay?" I turned the knob and pulled, but the door wouldn't open.

"No, it's not okay, and you won't do any such thing." She was standing beside me holding the door closed.

_When did she..._

"You aren't leaving here until you talk to me. And this..." she gestured between me and the couch, "...this bullshit you just spewed isn't talking." She glowered at me until I let go of the doorknob and backed away.

"Can't you just fucking let me leave, _please_?"

"After everything we've shared, the things I've told you that I haven't ever told anyone? No. Fucking. Way."

I sighed heavily, rolled my eyes, crossed my arms over my chest, and pressed my lips into a thin hard line.

"You want to throw this all away? For what? I don't even know what just happened! I refuse to let you run away from this. From us. Please. Not like this. Please. Just talk to me. Tell me what happened. You owe me that much, at least."

I sighed again. I knew she was right. There was no reason for my fucked-up-ness to rub off on her. She was too good for that, too good for me, and she deserved better than what I was dishing. I couldn't tell her the truth, but I could come up with something that should let me walk away.

She took my hand and led me to one of the comfy chairs in front of the window wall. "Sit. Talk." She pushed me slightly on my chest before taking a seat in the chair opposite.

I slouched down in my chair and ran my palms nervously up and down my thighs. "Yeah, well... um... I just... I just don't think this is going to work out," I said in a rush.

"Bullshit. You're stalling. Tell me."

"What do you want me to say?"

"The truth. I'm not accepting anything less."

"What truth do you want? What more needs to be said? _Jesus Christ!_"

"What the fuck just happened here? One minute you're all over me, panting and driving me crazy, and the next you _quit_ and _try to leave_? What am I supposed to think?"

"Do I have to spell it out for you? Are you _actually_ going to make me _say it_? Fuck!"

"Apparently I am, because I haven't a clue what's going on. I've never done this before, remember? Just fucking tell me already? What. The. Hell. Did. I. Do?"

"_You didn't _DO_ anything! How many times do I have to tell you that! Huh? Feeling my dick go limp under your hand wasn't emasculating enough for you? You fucking gotta make me SAY it?_ FUCK YOU!" I roared at her before leaping from the chair and charging for the door, my humiliation complete. I couldn't wait around for the laughter, the knife twist to my gut, cutting what little remained of my balls off.

_You're such a fucking pussy. Grow a pair, will ya?_

She wrapped me up in a vise grip from behind.

"What is fucking _wrong_ with you? _Stop_ trying to run away and _talk_ to me! This is ME here, not just some random chick. Friends first, no secrets, remember?"

Just when I didn't think it could get any more humiliating, it did. I suddenly burst into tears and started sobbing uncontrollably. Scared the living shit out of me – I couldn't stop – all those years of pain, humiliation, and deep, burning shame scalded its way out of me.

She released me enough to turn me around to face her, and I buried my face against her shoulder, clinging to her with every ounce of strength I had. She rubbed gentle circles on my back but said nothing, just letting me cry it out. When I slowed to hiccuping snotty sobs, she pulled away to take both my hands in hers and lead me to the bathroom. She dampened a washcloth and tenderly wiped my tear streaked face before turning the tap to fill the bathtub. I couldn't let go of her, and she held my hand as she added several generous scoops of sea salt to the steaming water.

Turning back to me, she removed my clothing carefully as I stood there taking deep, shuddering breaths. We still hadn't spoken and it was all I could do to simply touch her hair. I couldn't bear to look at her, and kept my eyes glued to the floor.

This was not how I'd pictured being naked before her for the first time, and I wanted to cover my limpness. Before I could, however, she took both my hands in hers and gently led me to the rapidly filling tub, steadying me as I stepped into the swirling water and sank down. I had to admit it was soothing and heavenly.

I involuntarily made a small noise of complaint in the back of my throat when she pulled away.

"I'm not going anywhere. I'm right here. Just a second," she said, reaching down to run her fingers across the top of my head. She stayed within my reach as she turned shyly away and unceremoniously stripped before me. Reaching into a vanity drawer, she pulled out a chopstick and quickly piled her hair on top of her head in a messy bun.

This was not how I'd pictured her being naked in front of me for the first time, either, and I could sense her shyness, but no hesitancy. Somehow we both seemed to understand that our nakedness wasn't about sexuality and lust, it was about vulnerability. Stripping away the final layers between us.

I took another deep, shuddering breath as she stepped into the water with me and sat down facing me, her hips between my feet, her feet mirroring mine around me. My hands dropped into the water and rested lightly on her shins. Again, she mirrored my actions and rested her hands on my legs. We were now immersed naked together and wrapped around each other in a comforting, non-sexual way.

"You can tell me anything, Edward. There's no one here but us. We are the only two beings on the planet right now. Please let me ease your pain. Share your burden. I want to love you. Please let me."

"I don't know if I can, Bella. It's so painful. I'm so ashamed," I barely breathed the last part, but I knew she could hear me. Two tears trickled down my cheeks, my eyes completely fixed on my lap and the limpness that bobbed in the water there mocking me.

She made a sound of concern in her throat and reached for my hand, pulling it slightly to get me to look at her. I resisted and buried my face in my free hand, taking one final shuddering breath before beginning.

"This is my biggest secret, Bella. _Lots_ of people know, but not because I told. Because _she_ told." I couldn't stop the bitterness from creeping into my voice.

Bella said nothing. Just softly ran her thumb across the back of my hand and waited. I could tell she spoke the truth – for her there was no one else in the world in that moment but me, and she'd wait as long as I needed to find the words to express what suddenly needed to be said. It was as if what had happened on the sofa lanced a large, deep abscess bringing forth hidden wells of pain, and the tears had washed the infection out, leaving behind the job of thoroughly cleansing the wound.

_No time like the present_.

I told her the whole shameful story. I left no detail out, not even how badly I had treated others sometimes in the name of popularity. How the girls all loved me and the guys all wanted to be me. That the most beautiful girl in school, Victoria, couldn't keep her hands off me.

"She had lots of experience and I had none. I think she guessed I didn't have a lot, but whatever I lacked, I made up for with enthusiasm.

"One night, we were suddenly naked in her bed and she was straddling me. We'd made out before, and had done some heavy petting, but this was a first. I was excited and nervous as hell. She was grinding herself all over me and I was ready to hand her my v-card.

"She suddenly lifted up and started to impale herself on me. I grabbed her hips and held her off. I wasn't wearing a condom. She brushed me off saying she was on the pill, but I insisted on protection. I'd never put a condom on before and I tried to put it on inside out. She lost her patience and grabbed it from me, turning it over and rolling it on while laughing at me for being a lame ass.

"She actually pinched my cheek and called me a little boy. When she reached for me again, she only found a semi, and that was it. My limpness was an insult to her. She was pissed and literally kicked me out of her bed before chasing me out of the house. By the time I got to class on Monday, _everyone_ knew I couldn't get it up for the hottest chick in school.

"I was known as Limpy The Dickless Wonder, or Limpy for short, forever after that.

I'd become a complete joke in just over 24 hours. It totally sucked. My grades dropped, I quit all volunteer and extracurricular activities, and my dreams just dried up.

"I thought when I started U-Dub, everything would change, but it didn't. I've even gone to the psych clinic at school in desperation. I thought things would be different with you because things _are_ so different with you. But, no. I'm nothing but a limp dick and I never will be anything else."

I sighed and squeezed her hand lightly, finally looking her in the eye and offering a small sad smile.

"Oh baby, I'm sorry you had such an awful experience. What a hateful bitch! Sex is a private, intimate thing between two people. It's simply horrible that she outed you like that. What a violation! Just tell me this – why didn't you fight back? I gather you didn't expose her as the aggressor?"

"No, I was so humiliated, I just couldn't. Who would have believed me anyway? I was a completely willing participant. She didn't force me to do anything. I really wanted to fuck her. My body simply failed me, and I couldn't live the reputation down. End of story. So, you're not squicked out by this?"

"No. I couldn't give a fuck about it. I've lived for hundreds of years without sex and I can live for hundreds more. Life is about so much more than sex to me."

"Are you saying you don't want me that way?"

"No, not at all. Hello! Were you not here an hour ago when I was begging you for more? It's just not the end all and be all for me that it is for others. What matters to me is _you_. Being with you whatever that looks like."

"Really?"

"Yes, really."

"You're serious. It really doesn't bug you."

"No. Not at all. I think I'd be more disturbed if you'd actually gone through with it. To give someone like that your virginity. You're worth so much more, Edward. So much."

I didn't know what to say, so I said nothing while blushing bashfully. It had been a long time since anyone had stood up for me, had accepted me in all my failings and weaknesses. I was really falling for this girl, woman, vampire, whatever the hell she was.

I sat forward and touched her cheek with my fingertips. "You're really something. You know that?" I brushed my lips across hers softly.

"Yeah, well," she responded. "The water's getting cold for the human. We'd better get out."

We moved to a large, white, fluffy rug in front of her fireplace. Our bodies remained in contact, but we weren't snuggling. Like the bath, this wasn't about cuddling, sex, and romance. This was about being completely vulnerable in front of each other and it was reflected in our nudity. We were consciously and intentionally stripping away the last barriers between us together. Something neither of us had ever done.

"I've never loved anyone in my life, Edward. I've only ever had friends at a distance. I avoid other vampires. I've never wanted to be close to anyone, not even when I was human. And I've _never_ wanted to be kissed or touched. Ever. I've never felt safe with anyone but you. Only you," she said staring into the fire and playing with my fingers.

I was stunned by her admission. _500 years? Fuckin A! And I thought seven was some kind of record. Dude! _"May I ask you a question, Bella?"

"Of course, you may ask me anything."

"Do you really believe you are cursed? Like forever?"

"Yes. I do."

"What does that mean exactly?"

"It means that I am to exist in solitary misery for all eternity. I can never have children. There will be no husband. I will always live on the fringes of existence. I may be surrounded by beings, but I am doomed to forever walk alone."

"Okay... So this curse thing. Is that why you've never changed anyone?"

"Yes, mostly. And I _never_ will. I will not curse anyone else to this life. As you said, there's nothing to be done about the past. It's done now, but it sure fucks with the present," she smiled bitterly.

– ◈ ◊ ◈ –

I woke much later to the sun streaming in the windows of Bella's houseboat. As I stretched and rolled over, I realized I was still naked under the bedding. It was oddly comfortable. I slipped from between the sheets to find a handsome indigo and white cotton robe waiting for me across the end of the bed. I donned it and made a quick pit stop in the bathroom before heading into the kitchen.

I opened the fridge and found a pile of blood bags. _Yeah, that's gonna take some time to get used to_. I picked up a few to see if she had a particular type she liked. _I wonder if AB- tastes different than O+_. There seemed to be no rhyme or reason, as I found a little of everything in her stash.

There was an unexpected knock on the door, and I jumped, dropping the blood bags on the floor.

"Shit!" _Thank fuck they didn't break._

I heard laughter, and Bella passed by the kitchen with a smirk on her face as she went to the entry.

"Who is it?" she called through the closed door.

"Yummy dot com with your order, ma'am," came the reply.

"Oh, right. The cash is in an envelope there on the bench by the door. I don't need any change."

"I see it. Would you like me to leave the groceries on the bench?"

"Yes, that would be perfect, thank you."

The rustling of bags could be heard through the wall.

"You have a good day, now."

"Thanks. You, too."

We could hear his footsteps retreating.

"I got some of your favorites as well as a few new things I thought you might like," she said as I stepped out the door to grab the bags.

The kitchen was so tiny that there really wasn't room for more than one, so she grabbed a blood bag from the fridge and retreated into the living room. _Dude! That's a little intense_. I shivered slightly before making quick work of putting the groceries away.

I grabbed a bottle of juice and a breakfast bar and joined her by the windows. It was clear by the wear on the chairs that this was her favorite spot. Her skin threw refracted rainbows all around the room.

"Aren't you worried about the neighbors?" I asked curiously. I had mostly seen her carefully crafted facade – the face she showed all humans. Her casualness about her real nature was new to me.

"Worried about the neighbors how?" she looked up from her book at me, confusion clear on her face. "Oh! You mean this?" She held up her arm, making the sparkles and rainbows shift and dance.

"Yeah, that."

"The windows are tinted so that I have complete privacy. We can see out clearly, but no one can see inside, not even at night when the lights are on. That's why no curtains or blinds. This is the one place I can completely be myself, and I like the idea of hiding in plain view. Actually makes for fewer questions than when I lived in more isolated locations."

"Makes sense, I guess." I sat down across from her. "Thanks for the robe, by the way. It's nice," I said fingering the soft cotton.

"It's a _yukata_ from Japan. I love kimono and have quite a collection."

I noticed she had on a wifebeater and boy shorts. "Where's yours?" I asked playfully.

"I prefer as little clothing as possible when I'm home. Normally I'd have on nothing at all," she grinned wickedly at me, "but I didn't want to make you uncomfortable, so I aimed for something in between."

My eyes widened and she just chuckled in response before taking a sip from her bag.

I decided to change the subject. "I noticed that your stock is all different types. You don't have a preference, or does it all taste the same?"

"The types don't really taste different, each human does." She paused, letting that sink in. "I don't really have a preference honestly, what's important to me is the expiration date. I take from the blood bank only what is marked for destruction. For use in humans, blood drawn has a limited shelf life. For vampires, it doesn't matter. It may not taste as fresh, but the nutrition is the same either way. It's just a supplement for me anyway."

"Supplement?"

"Yeah. My main diet is animal. I've found I need a small percentage of human blood to keep me sharp and strong, and to make my eyes a more natural color."

"Huh," was all I could answer to that. I knew some of these things, but not to the detail she was now sharing with me. I abruptly realized things had shifted between us while I slept. _That's typical. You slept through something important_. And then it came to me that it wasn't a thing – an event – it was a process that began when she first began unveiling her secret.

"What are you thinking?"

"I'm thinking about how things seem different this morning. You're more open, more detailed. I don't sense hesitation or calculation in your answers. It's more comfortable yet that's uncomfortable because it's new... Never mind, I'm not making any sense."

"Yes, you are. I understand completely, and you're right. It's nice, isn't it?"

"Yes, just a little strange. I think it'll take me a little time to get used to it."

"Yeah? Me, too." She smiled a shy, happy smile. One I'd never seen before but really, really liked.

– ◈ ◊ ◈ –

We spent the rest of the weekend at her place just hanging out, reading, watching a few dvd's, sharing companionable silence. It was like nothing I'd ever experienced before and it was _wonderful_.

So many things I'd always feared or puzzled over how to handle in a relationship were simply non-issues for us. Maybe because it was all so new, or this was the first one for either of us, or that we weren't having sex, or maybe it was because she was vampire and I was human. I didn't know and couldn't have cared less. I simply basked in her loving acceptance and attention and did my best to return it in kind and with equal measure.

I never slept at my old apartment again after that. We didn't really talk about it _per se_, but I just couldn't return for any length of time to the bro pad hell hole. One night as we were closing the shop, she suggested we swing by my apartment and get the rest of my stuff. A couple of months had already passed, but the guys hadn't even noticed. They were surprised when I cleaned out my room with Bella's help, but didn't seem too concerned about covering my part of the rent starting at the end of the month.

When we got back to the houseboat, I found she'd already cleared space in several places for my gear. It wasn't like I was squeezed in at the edges and corners either. My few prized possessions were featured prominently in the living room, but the biggest surprise was the loft. She'd converted it into a study for me with bookshelves, file cabinet, sound system, comfy chairs, and a beautiful antique desk. I was completely overwhelmed, especially since the loft had some of the best views in the house, and had heretofore been her art studio and refuge within her oasis in the city.

I had no words, and when I wrapped her in my arms in gratitude, I realized none were needed. Looking in her eyes, I understood that it had been her joy to create this space for me. Her way to support me in my studies and hopefully future career. I finally got that she was not going to leave me or throw me out. That she really loved me, deeply and truly, and wanted me in her life always.

I didn't think it was possible for me to love someone like I loved her, and I loved her more every day. I pulled back enough to bend down and press my lips to hers. I poured my feelings into long, lingering kisses and felt the fire stir in my belly for the first time since that profound night months ago.

Of course we'd fooled around in the intervening time, but it was more loving, playful and sweet than passionate or lustful. And it wasn't like erections were a rare thing, either. They were naturally part of our interactions, but we both sort of ignored them, neither of us looking for an unpleasant repeat of the past.

I'd thought that the lack of sex and intense sex play would break any relationship, but it seemed to only make ours stronger. We'd come together pretty quickly, and as we'd learned, we both had trust and intimacy issues that could be explosive and had been individually damaging.

Bella had taught me that there really was more in life and intimacy than sex, and it was one of the many things I cherished about her. It was not that she didn't want me that way, but she made it plain that she was perfectly content if it never happened. This lack of pressure and new perspective allowed me breathing room and space to redefine sex in my own mind. I could see now that I'd placed _way_ too much emphasis on it, and allowed it to define my life, to define _me_.

It was the best gift anyone had ever given me. She gave me myself back. She saw _me_ exactly as I was, not as I could be, or would be, or might be, and she loved me in spite of – or maybe because of – all my frailties and foibles.

These thoughts flashed through my mind briefly, unexpectedly fueling the desire coursing through my body. I moaned and deepened our kiss, tasting her passion in my mouth. Things were rapidly getting heated as our hands began pulling at clothing, skin, hair – anything we could find to bring our bodies closer together. I tried really hard to stay present and in the moment with her, but failed as usual, and it wasn't long before my raging hard on deflated completely, extinguishing the fire with it.

I sighed deeply and pressed my forehead to hers, closing my eyes. "I'm sorry, Bella."

"Sorry for what? You have nothing to be sorry for." She touched my cheek gently and I opened my eyes to hers. "I love you no matter what. _You_ are the one making a big deal out of this. I wish you'd just let it go. _Please_? For me?" She looked lovingly and longingly in my eyes. I could see she was completely sincere. Impossibly, I loved her even more in that moment.

"I'm doing my best."

"I know you are, sweetheart." She stretched up and kissed me gently. "Come, it's late and you've had a long day. I'd like to lay in your arms while you sleep. Okay?"

I nodded and allowed her to lead me downstairs to the bedroom. I didn't make it five minutes before I was sound asleep.

– ◈ ◊ ◈ –

_When I woke, I was alone as usual. I'd been sporting some impressive morning wood lately, and this morning was no exception. My dick was a veritable tent pole under the bedding, and I couldn't help but feel a little proud – yet disappointed that I was the only one around to see._

_I checked the alarm clock and was pleased that I was awake early enough to have a little extra time this morning. I slipped from our bed and headed for the shower without bothering to cover my nakedness. We rarely slept clothed anymore. Bella had broken me of that habit shortly after I the first weekend I stayed over, and it wasn't long after that that she instituted a clothing-optional rule for the whole house. That took a little getting used to, but I had to admit it was nice not having to worry about it._

_I loved the instant hot water in the houseboat – tankless water heaters ruled. I stepped under the hard spray and reached for the body wash. Pleased and somewhat surprised that I still sported a decent hard on, I lathered my shaft and began stroking myself. Instead of softer, I got harder and couldn't hold back the moan in my chest. Christ, that felt good._

_I stepped forward a bit so the spray cascaded down my back and put my free hand up on the shower wall to lean on as I began pumping my fist in earnest. Images of Bella began flashing in my mind, but instead of fearing them, I welcomed them. I imagined her opening the shower door and stepping in behind me. It was so real, I could almost smell her, feel her cool hand when she caressed my back._

"_Ahhurgh..."_

_I dropped my head and closed my eyes at the sensation and allowed myself deeper into the fantasy. She was now sliding her front all across my back, the water acting as a lubricant. It was amazingly erotic and I grew harder in my hand._

_I felt her hand smooth down my arm and wrap around the outside of mine as I tightened it around my shaft. She was careful not to touch anything but my fingers with her hand as she followed my movements._

"_Mmmmmmm. Feels good," I breathed, changing my pace and rhythm. Her body was now fully pressed up against mine, and only slightly cooler as the water and my body heated her stony flesh._

_I wanted her fingers on my naked throbbing flesh for the first time. I wanted it like I'd never wanted anything before. I spread my fingers open, encouraging hers to move into the spaces between mine, and groaned gutturally when I felt her do so. _

"_Oh, Bella, uuuunng..."_

_The sensation of her finally touching me while I was bare, hot, and hard drove me to pump faster as I felt my climax nearing. She tightened her grip around me as I slid my fingers partway from under hers. She was now touching me more than I was, and it made me wild with passion and lust. I wanted this, I wanted her. God, did I want her._

_Suddenly, my movement changed from still hips and pumping fist to thrusting hips and unmoving hand. I could almost see myself thrusting into her body over and over again as I pulled my hand the rest of the way from under hers and put it on the shower wall._

_I began to make incoherent noises as my breath rasped in my throat. My movements became frenzied and I lost any sense of regularity in my rhythm. I was hovering right at the edge of orgasm. I made three more powerful thrusts and came hard all over the shower wall. My body arched, and I threw my head back shouting my ecstasy to the ceiling. I stilled momentarily in my bliss before dropping my head, pulling in deep breaths. _

_I opened my eyes finally, seeing my cum on the wall in front of me before dropping my gaze further downward. I froze._

"I-I-I... ahhhh... whaa..." I gurgled incoherently. I didn't actually believe my eyes and reached for myself to confirm by touch what it looked like I was seeing. My fingers confirmed it, but my mind still couldn't accept it as real. Her fingers were indeed wrapped around my slowly flagging cock.

I traced her arm around my body, and she was really behind me in the shower. She held perfectly still while I sorted this out for myself. I could feel my mouth opening and closing like a fish out of water, but sound completely escaped me. I was totally dumbfounded and just stood there like a statue for several minutes until my brain finished processing.

"Y-y-your r-really h-here," I finally stuttered out. "I-I'm really here. In the shower. I, uh, I thought I was dreaming. In bed. Alone." _Incredible._

She finally moved and let go of me to wrap both arms around my waist and squeeze.

"I didn't know for sure, but I thought it might be something like that. I felt you call to me while I was hunting. I came straight away because I hadn't felt you like that before. When I got close enough, I heard the shower and was confused until you moaned. By then, I was here, and almost couldn't get to you fast enough you were pulling me to you so forcefully. When I opened the door and stepped in behind you, it felt as if you were in a trance, and I let my intuition guide me in joining with your vision."

"Wait," I breathed. "You... felt... me?"

"Well, kind of. I heard you say my name in my head and felt an irresistible pull in my chest. I sensed you needed me. It's happened before, I just didn't say anything."

"That's just... wow. You're amazing." I turned within her arms. "I love you."

"I know. I love you, too."

"No. I mean I _really_ love you."

She laughed. "I _really_ love you, too."

"Bella, I fucking _love_ you. I want to be with you forever. Please change me."

Her face fell immediately and her eyes dimmed. "I can't."

"Please, Bella? _Please_?"

"No, Edward. You know I can't." She dropped her eyes.

"Can't or won't?" I couldn't keep the hurt from my voice.

"Both," she said, looking back up at me. "I can't do that to you. I couldn't do it to a stranger I didn't care about, much less the man I love with all my heart. I just can't. I won't." Her tone brooked no argument and it was clear that for her the subject was closed.

Not wanting to spoil the moment further, I let it go, but it was far from over in my mind.

– ◈ ◊ ◈ –

I wish I could say the next six months were complete bliss. They weren't. My inconsistencies in the erection department continued. I never knew when it would be a yes, a no, or a maybe. After our success in the shower, I actually felt more pressure to perform, not less. Being with Bella that way was simply incredible and I wanted her more than I did before. I didn't even know that was physically or emotionally possible, but the cliche about ignorance is bliss because you don't know what you're missing? Yeah, that's fucking true.

But, it wasn't all bad news in the sex department. The experience upped the ante for Bella, too, and while my dick might not be in the game with the rest of us, I wasn't going to let my girl down. It just pushed me to become more creative with my fingers and tongue. I'd watched my fair share of porn for the stimulation as well as to learn something about how to do it before I actually was faced with doing it.

So, when Bella and I started fooling around for real, all I knew was what I'd learned by watching porn – boobs, nipples, fingering, clit licking and rubbing, anal, vag and blow jobs. She'd never even touched herself before, so I supposedly was the one with more experience between the two of us. However, I was so body conscious and awkward at first, my head filled with all sorts of unrealistic expectations, cultural and moral messages, and locker room misinformation that it took me quite a while to become comfortable with real physical intimacy.

"Sex is natural, so don't push it, Edward."

"How would you know, Bella?"

"I don't from personal experience. Just observation. Our bodies speak to each other and will know when the other is ready. Nudity is really no big deal. It's how we come into this world – a body's just a body." She shrugged.

It became a game – a very fun game, I might add – between us to find new and intriguing ways to tease and turn on the other without going for the usual spots on the body. I got her one night without touching her by just breathing on her skin and hovering my hand close enough to feel the electricity hum between us, my heat radiating into her trembling body until just at the very end when I barely smoothed a single fingertip over her clit. The memory of that still put a grin on my face. It was amazing to know that I, limp dick extraordinaire, could bring such pleasure to a woman. My woman.

"What are you thinking about my love?"

I was pulled from my reverie by her soft voice.

"You. What else?"

"What about me? I want to know what specifically put that glorious smile on your face along with that in your hand," she raised an eyebrow playfully while gesturing to a promising erection I hadn't even noticed I had or was palming in my lap.

Sheepishly, I grinned even wider. "I was thinking about that night I drove you crazy without touching you.

"Ah, yes," she said, biting her lip. "That was quite an experience. You're rather proud of that, aren't you?"

I blushed but held her gaze, challenging her back. "Yes, yes I am. It's one of the crowning achievements in my life," I teased.

She just hummed in response.

"Would you like a repeat performance?"

"Hmmm. Tempting. But I had another idea in mind."

"Oh, what's that?"

"I'd rather show than tell."

"Sounds promising. Show me."

And she did. For several hours. It was a _yes_ night, and I came spectacularly for her. It was a slow road, overcoming all my training to wilt at coldness when she was so cold herself, not counting the fact that human male gonads were biologically designed to do so. We usually ended up in the tub or shower where she could warm her skin with water. Tonight was no different, and we were basking intertwined in the candlelit tub, cuddling in the afterglow.

"Bella?"

"Yes, love?"

"I'm curious about something."

"Mmmmm?"

"Um..." _Dude, this is awkward. Just forget it_.

"What sweetheart?"

"I was just wondering... I know you were a virgin when he turned you..."

"Yes."

"Well, um..." _For christsakes, just spit it out!_ "Bella, what happened to your hymen?" I blushed deeply.

"Oh! It was broken in a childhood accident when I was a little girl. A group of rowdy boys were playing a game and I got in their way. They pushed me to the ground roughly and I landed hard on a sharp rock with my legs splayed open. I bled so much they ran for help. The midwife told me what happened, that my maidenhead had been broken in the fall and that's what had caused the bleeding."

"That must have hurt."

"It did, but I was more scared than hurt. I never thought about it one way or the other before, but now I'm glad because that's something we don't have to worry about – my granite skin coming between us." She tilted her head up and kissed me softly.

"I thought you didn't care about sex. That it wasn't important to you. That you could live without it."

"That's true. I've watched others find a sort of animalistic pleasure and release from sex, but I didn't think that the intimacy and connection we share was actually possible. I thought it was a myth, a fantasy – the stuff of legends. You've shown me differently. I want to join with you. I want to be with you. I want to feel you moving inside me as I look into your eyes. I want it all with you, Edward. Only you. And only when the time is right for both of us. I know it will happen when we're ready. Until then, what we do is all I need." She captured my lips with hers and I was lost in her all over again.

– ◈ ◊ ◈ –

Things began to happen rapidly in the months following. Graduation neared and an adjunct teaching position opened up in my department that I was offered and accepted. I brought up her changing me regularly, but she remained resolute in her refusal while I begged, pleaded, and cajoled to no effect.

The night before graduation, I finally burst in my frustration and desperation and asked the questions I feared the most.

"Bella, what if I were dying? Wouldn't you turn me then? Would you not save me and keep me with you forever?"

She took a deep breath and let it out slowly before answering. "No, my love. I would not. I simply _cannot_ do this to you. I love you too much. I would miss and mourn you for the rest of my existence, but no. No, my love I would not."

I was stunned into silence. "You seriously wouldn't save me?"

"No. Because it would not be saving, it would be cursing."

"You could let me go. Just like that."

"It would be painful and hard. But I have seen a lot of death in my very long life. It's just a part of immortality. Everyone dies eventually except me and those like me. Trust me on this when I say this is _really _not a life you want."

"You can't make that decision for me! I _want_ you! _I want to be with you FOREVER_. What part of that don't you understand?"

"Human emotions change. I've seen it. I've felt it. Mine don't. It is as if I'm cast in stone at the moment of change. And if they do change, the change is equally permanent. You won't feel this way forever, trust me."

"That's bullshit! _I love you now!_ If you change me now while I love you this much, I will love you forever. You just said it yourself – cast in stone at the moment of change."

She drew a quick breath and her eyes widened. _Ha! Wasn't expecting that one, huh? _

"Regardless, Edward. It doesn't matter. It doesn't change anything. We've been over and over this. I won't do it, and that's final. _Please_, just drop it. Please."

I couldn't refuse her when she begged like that; and she was so resolute and calm I knew I was defeated yet again. I sighed and nodded my acquiescence, pulling her into my arms. It was hard for either of us to see the other's point of view, and arguing was getting us nowhere. I was really stubborn, but something told me she'd out-stubborn me on this one.

I sighed again and said, "Let's go take a bath. Tomorrow's a big day and I don't want to fight anymore."

She agreed without hesitation.

Graduation day passed as they all do, with pomp and circumstance, nerves and tears. It was a long, stressful day at the end of a long, stressful week. Once home, our clothes made a trail to the bathroom door. I couldn't wait another second to be shed of them. The steaming stream of water had never felt so good. I stood still and let it pound the last of the tension from my shoulders and neck. I started to lather up quickly, more in shower mode than making love mode, but Bella's hands took the soap and cloth from mine.

"Please let me," she said, and I all too happily obliged. I never tired of feeling her fingers on me, her skin on mine. The last bits of tiredness and tension rinsed down the drain with the lather. "I celebrate you and all you've accomplished in the last year. Happy anniversary, my love," she murmured, massaging shampoo into my hair and scalp.

"Wow, that's right. We met a year ago today. Happy anniversary, my love." I kissed her. "Anything I've accomplished is because of you, Bella. You've inspired me to be a better man. Your love and acceptance have brought out the best in me, the me that I lost so long ago. Thank you is lame, but it's all I've got."

"You're welcome, sweetheart, though no thanks are needed. You've done the same for me. Please know this."

"I do, or at least I'm learning to." I smiled at her, turning off the water. "Shall we?"

"We shall," she said, exiting the shower and handing me a towel.

On our way up to the deck, I paused in my study long enough to grab my iPod and portable speakers. It was late and the deck was screened from the prying eyes of others. We came up here bare regularly for stargazing, but tonight I only had eyes for Bella. I selected a song and slipped up behind her wrapping my arms around her waist as she looked at the sky.

"Dance with me," I whispered into her hair.

She merely turned in my arms with a smile and placed one hand on my shoulder as I took her free hand in mine, resting my other at her waist. Delicate notes wafted on the gentle evening breeze. I pulled her close and rested my cheek on her head, swaying softly with her. I was filled with a new yet old feeling I couldn't quite place my finger on.

_Contentment. Yes, that's the feeling. I want for absolutely nothing in this moment. I need nothing. Desirelessness? I thought that was empty and I feel filled to overflowing_...

I heard Bella singing quietly with the song and pulled back to look at her. I had seen love shining from her eyes before many times, and there was nothing special or extraordinary in her face as she sang to me, "You took a chance and you took the fall for us."

I dropped her hand to cup her cheek in mine as I sang her the next few lines, "You came thoughtfully, loved me faithfully. You taught me honor, you did it for me..."

She pulled my face to hers and kissed me with tender passion and slow burning fire. The music faded from my ears, the breeze from my skin and I was left with only the feeling of her in my arms, her breath in my mouth, my heart pounding in my chest.

I groaned pulling her closer, deepening our kiss. With the busyness of the last month, there had been little time or energy for this kind of connection. Some flirty fun, yes, but not fire and intimacy. My body twitched and hardened promisingly. We embraced there for a long time, neither wanting to break our kiss. She finally pulled away and led me to our bedroom below.

Sliding between the sheets, she held her arms out to me and I joined her without hesitation. I couldn't get enough of her – her sighs, her breathy moans, her touch, her taste, her smell. This wasn't about who could excite whom more. There was no game here, there was only sensation, emotion, connection. The giving and receiving of pleasure in equal measure.

I had never felt anything like it before in my life. It was intense, powerful. There was no flagging, no hesitation, no worry or concern. I was dimly aware that I could go on like this for hours, days maybe. My erection came and went and came again. No matter. That was no longer the important thing here. This wasn't about me anymore than it was about her. We were forming something new between us, a third thing, a living, breathing _we_.

"Bella, Bella, Bella," I breathed into her skin. "Oh my beautiful Bella..."

"Edward, oh..." she gasped. "My love, I didn't know... I never knew..."

I swallowed her words with my lips, my teeth, my tongue. I wanted this woman. I burned for her. I didn't know how it was going to happen, but for the first time I just _knew_ it would. We would find a way together.

"Oh! Edward... ah... I want you," she groaned rolling me onto my back, trailing cool open mouthed kisses down my neck.

"Ung... Bella, ah... oh, my love... I want you, too... But..."

She silenced me with her finger to my lips. Leaning over me, she opened the nightstand drawer. "I bought us a few things in case we ever... you know," she finished shyly. In her hand was warming lube and some sort of ring.

"Wha... Is that..."

"Yes, it's a cock ring."

"Oh my. I like how you think." I couldn't stop the grin from spreading across my face.

"I hope that's not all you like about me," she giggled and rolled onto her back, bringing me with her. "Stop thinking, Edward." She chuckled seductively. "I love your mind, but it's your body I want to talk with right now."

"Yes ma'am," I grinned against her lips before devouring them. As much as I wanted to take things slow and had fantasized about our first time being special – maybe rose petals in the bed or a long romantic soak in the bathtub – this was definitely not that. I was trying not to grasp and groan, but it was a losing proposition. She clutched and clung to me, pressing herself as tightly to me as she could. And the sounds she was making were driving me wild with desire. I was panting heavily, the parts of my body not against hers coated in a light sheen of sweat.

The realization that this was finally it, we were really going to this, caused me to become harder for the first time ever. My limp dick was a distant memory and I cried out when she wrapped both hands around me and squeezed lightly. My hand instantly sought out her lower lips, the slippery wetness I knew I would find there. I felt her slip something around my shaft and jerked away from her reflexively.

"It's just the cock ring, baby. Pull here, and it will loosen," she demonstrated before tightening it down again. She then applied a small amount of the warming lube.

"Oh my God... Ungh... that feels..." I simply had no more words as my fingers found her entrance and slipped in of their own volition.

Her body arched against mine and I watched her eyes roll slightly up into her head before they closed and she cried out. That sound coming from her lips made me twitch against her thigh. My dick wanted to be where my fingers were. Badly.

She was tight, but I knew I would fit. The skin on the outside of her body was hard and immutable, but this hidden inner skin was softer, more yielding, and felt like velvet over steel. I didn't even notice that I was more or less groaning continuously now, my breathing ragged and uneven, my fingers pumping with a slow, steady rhythm.

"I... ungh... please..." she gasped, not able to speak coherently, her eyes burning and desperate. Her hand brushed mine away before grabbing my throbbing shaft.

"Bella," I ground out before kissing her with complete abandon. I didn't want to be on top of her and she couldn't be over me. I hitched her upper leg around my hip as our bodies moved together, desperate to unite. She moved her hand out of the way so I could position myself at her entrance, the tip eagerly reaching inside of her.

I pressed forward not knowing what to expect. Her hips thrust forward to meet mine. As I sank into her, she embraced me fully. Our eyes widened, our mouths formed into "o's" and we groaned together never breaking eye contact.

I felt my hardness lessening despite the cock ring and warming lube, but it was not because of my mind this time. It was simply a natural biological human male response to cold on the gonads. Beyond that, it was mind-blowing being inside her as we tried to move together. Me, clumsy and awkward; she, graceful and rhythmic. Bella touched my temple lightly and pressed her forehead to mine in a silent reminder to stop thinking and drop into the feeling.

As I felt the coil tighten in my groin, I kissed her hard. "Argh... I'm not... oh... too good... so tight... wet..." I moaned before long. It felt too good and I was continuing to soften. _Not gonna last much longer._ "Baby... Bella... are you close..."

"No, love. Please don't wait... You feel so good... but, no..."

In desperation, I reached between us and wrapped my hand around my cock. The warmth instantly brought much needed hardness and I tightened the cock ring further. In my groping and fumbling, I stopped my hips and when I began moving them again, we suddenly found our tempo and began moving together in harmony.

I thought I'd explode from the connection, but amazingly, I held on. Because my hand was in the way, I couldn't fully penetrate her, but I needed the warmth to remain hard enough to penetrate at all. As she began grinding on me harder and faster, I stilled and twisted my hand so my thumb came into contact with her clit in the way she needed. Her cries increased in intensity and volume, so I knew I'd stumbled onto something that was bringing her closer to the edge. As I pressed more and began to slide more of my fingers against her, she thrust harder and harder in return. I could feel myself beginning to bruise but I no longer cared. I felt her walls fluttering around me and knew she must be getting close to release.

This fired my own passion and I met her pounding with my own relentless thrusts. I used my fingers with my erection to stimulate as many points as possible on both of us. My movements became more and more erratic as my orgasm began circling my belly. I lost track of what I was doing as we thrashed against each other. I dug my fingers into my own flesh trying to hold on long enough to come inside her. When I felt the edge of my fingernail dig in painfully, inspiration struck. My emotions ran away with any logic that might have been left in my overwhelmed brain.

_Yes! _I_ can do this! She won't give in, I know it. But I'll do it for us. _

I didn't pause, I didn't think, I acted. I reacted. I bit my lip hard, squeezed my eyes shut, and turned my fingernails on my most sensitive flesh. It took three or four thrusts and more pressure than I expected until I finally felt a fingernail pierce my skin and the pain only drove me on. I'd heard about pain being pleasurable, but I wasn't a believer until that instant.

I dug deeper and pressed harder feeling the pulsing begin, knowing my orgasm was at hand. The skin split in several places from my unrelenting nails as my balls tightened and the hot streams started to pour forth. I let go and plunged into her fully over and over as I rode out the violent bliss that shook my body, stilling buried deep within her. My cry was guttural and victorious as I felt heat enfold me, driving away the cold. I collapsed on her, temporarily unable to move, unwilling to even if I could. I knew I needed the most exposure of her venom mixing with my blood for it to take.

I lay panting, trying to catch my breath as she writhed and moaned beneath me. I didn't know if she'd come or not I was so lost in my own experience. When I felt the burning start in my groin in earnest, I no longer cared anyway. Yes, the burning was painful, but it was a price I'd pay gladly to be with her forever.

"Edward?" she cried out. "Edward! What have you done?" I vaguely felt her pull my hand from behind her back as the fire spread quickly. "No! Edward, I don't want this!" she wailed. I could not move on my own and I could barely hear her over the flames now roaring in my ears. "Edward! How could you do this? You _betrayed_ me! You took this from me! _I don't want you to..._"

Her voice faded away completely, and I wondered what I would find when I finally woke up. I didn't think she'd leave me, but I suddenly wasn't so sure about anything.

* * *

**A/N: Lyrics from "My Love" written by Sia Furler and Oliver Kraus **


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